Episode Tag: 6x01 The Desert Rose
by glindalovesshoes
Summary: "If only" - While Jane is on his way to Lisbon, he's thinking about what happened and how things could have turned out differently... Jisbon/Drama/Hurt/Comfort


A/N: Hey there guys! After this terrific first episode I felt like I had to write a tag… This tag mostly deals with Jane's feelings, thinking what would have happened "if". Of course you'll get a sweet reunion in the end :)  
Thanks to Nerwen for betaing! Enjoy!

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If only

_If only he hadn't told her about the list with the seven Red John suspects._

_She'd have been angry with him for letting her in the dark with his progress on getting closer to the identity of the serial killer, but at least she'd have understood he wanted to finish it first. The thing was, he trusted her, that's why he'd told her. One of his biggest mistakes. _

_ The mistake wasn't trusting her, but thinking he could trust her with this information without bringing her in danger. He'd painted a target on her back, always knowing one day Red John would come after her. He knew this since Lorelei had told him to bring her head as a gift for that bastard. He'd never chose Red John over Lisbon, that he'd shown over the years. _

_Lately, his obsession with the man grew. He was close, so close he could almost smell the sweet fragrance of revenge in the air when he imagined to ripping the killer's throat open like he'd done with his wife and child. Or shoot him, right in the heart. _

_ But Red John knew about the list. He must have known from the beginning. How, was the question. It didn't matter. Everyone who knew about the list was in danger, so if he hadn't told Lisbon, she'd have been pissed, but safe. As safe as she could be under these circumstances… although in the end no one was safe._

_Red John had killed a happy memory of his. Jane didn't know how the killer knew Leelee Barlow, but somehow he had and he'd promised to start killing again. Often. "Until you catch me or I catch you."_

_If only he hadn't let her see the DVD with Lorelei reading a message from Red John for him. Of course she'd have come up wanting to know what was on the DVD, but he'd have destroyed it with his bare hands, just like he did after he showed her the video. No one would have been able to see the message Red John had left for him and he'd have every moment, every picture secured in his memory palace. It would have been better if he'd left her in the dark, telling her it would be too dangerous for her to know._

_Of course his little firecracker wouldn't have accepted this answer, would have been furious, but in the end she'd have been safe. Knowledge was power but also danger. In this case, knowledge about Red John was the most dangerous thing in the world. _

_Lisbon would have given him an ultimate eventually, but this time he wouldn't have listened to her. All in order to keep her safe, not to let her worry her pretty little head over things that were much too big for her to handle. Okay he was wrong there, Lisbon could handle this eventually, but she was an open book to him, she wasn't able to put up a front. _

_They would have been called in for the case and he'd have acted strangely with the knowledge in mind that Red John knew about the list. His behavior would have been odd and Lisbon would be worried about him, but she wouldn't know that he didn't know what to do now. She'd swallow it and ask him later eventually… or let him come to her if he needed help. Of course Mother Teresa always thought he needed her help. That's why he'd told her. Because deep down he knew he would need every help he could get with finding the serial killer. Furthermore it felt good to be able to talk with someone he trusted from time to time. _

_If only he hadn't told her, she wouldn't have been acting so strange around Bertram and Partridge. Although she thought otherwise, his little woman was such a bad liar. She was just too honest for this world, too true hearted. She wouldn't have been thinking about Bertram the whole time during the ride to Salton Sea. They would have been making fun; he'd have teased her like he usually did to pretend everything was fine although she knew it was not. _

_But since they weren't great in talking about the serious things anyways – they both avoided problems rather than stand up to them – it would have been fine. She would have had no reason to be scared about him or about what would happen now that Red John promised to start killing again. _

_She wasn't only scared about his safety. Red John could easily come after someone of her family or of the team. Lisbon thought she could handle it, if he came after her. The truth was he couldn't. They'd have been eating eggs and the muffin and stuff. He may have come over late at night just because he wanted her company. She'd have opened him and let him inside, wondering what it was that he wanted. Janee would have wanted to do some light talking, before he'd have pulled out the bottle of tequila and a card game, so they could play a little poker. _

_Lisbon had gotten better since the last time he played with her. After maybe the fourth or fifth round, he'd have let her win. Of course she'd have know, but she wouldn't have said anything, knowing it was his way of saying sorry for his behavior. _

_Later, Lisbon would have yawned loudly, a silent sign for him to leave the room and go to bed, since she was very tired. He would have left without a word, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, saying "Good night, Teresa." She'd have blushed and closed the door, smiling like a fool and so would he have. _

_If only she'd never have known the names, Lisbon wouldn't have been so stupid to call Van Pelt in the middle of the night and ask her to put a GPS on the phones of the Red John suspects. He knew she only wanted to help him, but she should have known Red John would use it against them. That and the fact Van Pelt couldn't keep her mouth shut. _

_Jane didn't blame anyone, just himself, because he should have known. Lisbon was an officer of the law and thought it would help to do things "her way". Having the information on the suspect's phones was better to her than having non at all. This would be true, if Red John wouldn't have access to the CBI network, especially since most of his suspects were working in law enforcement agencies as well. Well, in the end it didn't help, it made everything worse. Again, she wasn't the one to blame for this. _

_Things would have been all right. They would have solved the case and driven home. He'd have invited her for dinner and told her he was sorry because he couldn't tell her. She'd have argues with the fact she was an agent, had her gun and was totally able to protect herself, but she'd find it sweet of him because he cared about her. Well, things didn't turn out this way. _

_If only he hadn't said the things he had during their argument in the kitchen. He'd been so angry with her, because he'd told her not to tell anyone. She went behind his back by telling Van Pelt and this had hurt him deeply. Now Red John knew Lisbon and Van Pelt knew. They had had arguments before, but this one went deeper. It was a fight, a real fight, with both of them trying to defend their motives and not giving in. _

_She was right, he wasn't her boss, but didn't she see he only wanted to keep things under the radar, mostly to protect her? "You work for me", she'd said, because she knew she had to defend her actions somehow. Lisbon had been offended the way he talked to her – and he'd been offended the way she'd talked to him. He was the smartest person in the room, just because she had her badge and her gun didn't mean everything she did right like the protocol was right. _

_Now he admitted, he shouldn't have called her childish. They should have talked about the situation like adults, somewhere alone, not with Van Pelt standing awkwardly in the corner and listening to Mommy and Daddy fight. They could have talked it out, thinking together on how to go on with the situation, which step to to next. Yes, he was angry with both of them, but mostly disappointed. What did she think she could handle this alone? He should have stopped her from running out of the kitchen, should have stopped her from getting into the car and driving off to Sacramento to keep an eye on the suspects. He should have apologized… but it'd been too late. _

_If only he'd stopped her from running away, all of this wouldn't have happened. He should have protected her, should have driven after her immediately, to say he was sorry. But he had a case to close first. Jane had felt so devastated. He hated that she just drive off and left him there, running after her car like an idiot. It was like in one of those bad movies. _

_Both of them needed time to lick their wounds. The things they said... Right after she left, he'd realized what an idiot he was. Lisbon just wanted to help. For the thousandth time, she'd only been trying to help him and he should have apologized. Darn it, he was the one who always thought everything through before he said something, he should have done it this time, too. Not just throwing words at her in his rage. He should have tried harder. _

_Lisbon hadn't told anyone random, she'd told someone she trusted and someone who was not a disciple of Red John. He should have been more understandable. Maybe, only maybe if they'd talked it through here and there, they could have worked it out and none of this would have happened. _

_Right after closing the case, he'd taken one of the CBI SUV's to go after her, but it'd been too late. Jane understood why she ignored his calls, but since he now knew why she couldn't answer them was even worse. Now it happened._

_Because of his stupidity Red John had her and he didn't know if she was dead or alive. Everything was his fault. If she were dead, he could never live with the guilt weighting on his shoulders. He would never forgive himself for what he'd done. She was the most precious thing in his life, the only reason next to Red John that gave him a sense to live… _

_Now imagining the last time he'd seen her, they argued. She'd left him with his anger and he'd said things… He wanted to throw up. If only he'd…_

If only, if only. The consultant knew it was stupid to think about how thing would turn out "if"… It wouldn't change anything. It wasn't possible to go back in time and undo actions and words spoken.

When he arrived at the crime scene, SACPD was already there, ambulances with blue lights lighting up the area in front of the abandoned house. Lisbon was in there, she had to be…

In just this moment the medical examiners pushed a stretcher with a closed body bag on it out of the entrance and his world came crashing down. "No!", he screamed, "No, no, no! Teresa!"

Jane slumped down on his knees, watching the staff putting the stretcher into the medical examiner van. His face fell, but he wasn't able to cry – the shock was just too hard. He had to get to her, he had to…

Jumping up and running across one of the ambulances towards the van, he heard a weak "Jane?" The consultant threw a look to his right, sawing the petite brunette woman sitting on the edge of the ambulance, a grey blanket around her shoulders.

He thought he'd lost her, but he wasn't prepared for the shock when he saw the red smiley drawn in blood on her face. But it didn't matter, it didn't matter the least, because she was there. She was there and she was alive. Jane didn't care whose body bag he just saw.

He jumped towards her and hugged her, hugged her so hard he thought it might break her, but he needed to touch her to know she was real and not a weird shock product of his imagination.

"I thought I lost you", he whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I'm…"

"Shh", Lisbon whispered, her throat hoarse. "I'm here, I'm okay and I'm sorry too…" She felt something wet against her cheek. Could it be…? He held her in his embrace, determined to never let her go.

If he thought back to this night years later, there was only one regret he had… If only he'd kissed her.

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A/N: If only it was Sunday yet… hehe :D I hoped you liked the tag and the little reunion in the end. I really don't know how Jane is going to find her, but I know it's going to be awesome :D  
Thanks so much for reading! :)


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